Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize