she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
