she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
