When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize