I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
