You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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