Don't make out with my wife yet
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
