And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
