so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
