went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
