Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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