I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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