You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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