i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I did not marry a roomba.
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