I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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