I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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