At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize