Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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