I think I died a long time ago.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
