I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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