U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Randomize
