I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
