At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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