once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize