i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
