How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Randomize
