my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
In other news, I just burned my penis
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
