IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
