Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
