im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
