Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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