guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize