I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
