Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
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