Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I want a musical about memes.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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