I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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