you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize