Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Hippo gnu deer
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
