i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Randomize
