u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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