Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
