A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
