And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize