a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Watching her eat just hurts me
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
