I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
