Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
