I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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