So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
