When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
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