I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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