I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
