Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
