Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
