question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize