Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize