I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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