you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
