Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
