you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize