she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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