woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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