i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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